I am waiting for Malachite to wake up with a mug of red wine beside me. I must have finished a third of a bottle. I’ve just finished watching the movie Life of Pi in my attempt to understand the whole thing the second time around. The first time I watched it was in the big screen with my mother and sister. After the movie we head our way to the car park to go back home, and as we did I was giving the ladies a hard time about the movie. My mother got bored and perhaps had fallen asleep in the middle of it, and my sister was baffled to say the least. They did not understand the movie. Neither was I. However in my attempt to disguise my confusion I was throwing them rhetorical questions to appear clarified. They took the bait. They thought I knew what to make out of the ending. I knew it was something about God and faith, but I failed to piece the story together.
With a bit of intoxication and a hint of boredom, I finally understood the ending: “So which story do you prefer,” Pi asked the writer. The writer pondered and finally responded with, “the one with the tiger. That’s the better story.” “Thank you. And so it goes with God,” Pi concluded. The insurance report narrated the same story: a shipwreck survivor that had made himself alive for a long time in the middle of the ocean with a Bengal tiger.
I’ve read books aplenty–I’ve expanded my vocabulary more than I’ve ever thought. I know an assortment of English words more by heart than by reason. Despondence is one of them.
There is a high likelihood that I lost my chances with trivago. I’ve been waiting all day long for their reply. It’s miserable to fight a battle in the midst of storm. With internet connection failing, I couldn’t put up a strong fight. I even never had a chance to pull out my sword. I lost even before the battle started. I’ve prepared as well as I could–asked my closest friend KO to stay in her condo unit to afford myself privacy; got hold of a trivago employee so I would have an idea of how the Skype interview would go about; read relevant articles and practiced possible answers. Then I have not even gotten a chance to start the interview.
My soul searched for a word that could describe what I feel. It found despondence.
WILL TO LIVE
If I survived a shipwreck but found myself in the middle of the ocean with a tiger, I wouldn’t know if I would have enough will to survive. Maybe I would have fought and killed the tiger. Maybe I would found a way to have us both live like Pi did. Maybe I’ll fight to live the day to watch my grandchildren in a play park together with my husband.
I’m in between jobs. It’s been 5 months since I last worked. It’s been 9 months since I began looking for a job. Lack of work is demoralizing, dehumanizing. At some point you would find yourself losing the will to live.
When life challenges you hard you might lose all will to live. But you have to carry on.
“Mr. Patel’s is an astounding story of courage and endurance unparalleled in the history of shipwrecks. Very few castaways have claimed to have survived so long at sea, and none in the company of an adult Bengal tiger.”
I dig into my heart to look for Christ within me. My soul cries in defeat. Being despondent is to live through the day almost without hope. Almost without hope. Which means there is a bit of hope left, and maybe Jesus inside me is filling this dire void and helplessness.
“And so it goes with God…” for it is through the eyes of faith that makes us believe in miracles, that make us believe the possibility of life when there’s seemingly no hope of survival.
When you find yourself almost emptied out, ask yourself one question: for whom or for what do you live for? Your answer will give you motivation to push through and not give up on that very instant.
With Malachite and a bright future ahead of us, and Jesus in me, I’ll find the will to live.